Classic Rock: The Soundtrack of the Enslavement of Women by the American Pig Patriarchy
Jimmy Page and Robert Plant enslaving the female race.
BY MZ MANNERS, MILITANT FEMINETHICIST
Let me start off by saying this: I am still straight. I have not turned to a lesbian lifestyle. Not yet!
But today, at 5pm outside of the Elks Lodge, I will be staging a demonstration to protest the music of the male oppressor. Hitler had his beloved Wagner, and the oppressive male patriocracy has its Classic Rock. I have rented a steamroller, and together with an army of wives and girlfriends, we will destroy our mens' record collections.
I have come to this conclusion after a lifetime of listening to the anti-woman sentiments of Lynrd Skynrd, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Bruce Springsteen. Here's a challenge: try to match these misogynist lyrics with the above artists.
1. Lots of people talkin' but few of them know/Soul of a woman was created below.
2. She blew my nose and then she blew my mind
3. If I stayed here with you, girl/Things just couldn't be the same
4. It's the woman in you that makes you wanna play this game
5. Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack/I went out for a ride and I never went back.
Congratulations. You scored beautifully, which shows that you have been raised a pig in a sexist society. It's not your fault. But now you must join me in dismantling the oppressor's record collection. Women still earn less than men, and hold only a tiny fraction of the positions of power in government and corporate America. And we know who is to blame: Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how hard a band rocks and how demeaning they are to women. Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones are the undisputed Gods of Rock, and they never hold back on the anti-woman sentiment. But do not be fooled! Plenty of soft-rock legends also talk down to women. Air Supply and Hall & Oates enjoy screwing a groupie just as much as the next guy.
Also beware hippie-rock bands. Their peace-and-free-love sentiment is just a thinly veiled attempt to get women to wear cute little flowery skirts with no underwear. So every dude with long hair who preaches the gospel of Jimi Hendrix, The Grateful Dead or Phish is only trying to enslave the female race for future generations.
Women's liberation is awfully convenient for dudes. You no longer have to open doors or pull out chairs for us. And we can sleep around without really worrying too much about what our coworkers will think. And who is to blame? Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd and the Guess Who! Thanks, fellas! Now excuse me while I park my steamroller on top of your life's work. Asshole.
There are still some female Classic Rock acts who are okay to listen to. Heart, Pat Bennetar, and Yes are still okay. I know that Yes is a male group, but we can lump them into this group of safe records. Yes will be saved, but other artsy British rock bands will not. Jethro Tull, for all of its complicated musicianship and literary references, will have to be destroyed. We cannot let them get away with 'Cross-Eyed Mary.'
Survival in a world ruled by male fantasies is not easy for the female population. So we have to begin by destroying white male propaganda. This music is destructive and for all of its sexy guitar rock power, today's woman can see through it. What moves men to create women-hating rock music? Is it fear? Dread? Both?
