Wed. Nov. 5: GLOATING DAY

BY BARCODE 2X

Don't just get out the vote! Get out the gloat! When your candidate wins, don't forget to rub it in among friends, family, coworkers, etc. who may swing the other way. You may be hung over from your voting night party. Don't make excuses! You have got to get out there and gloat! It is your responsibility as a citizen.

The negative ads will be over. The campaigns will be dissolved. Your bumper sticker, however, can stay on your car as long as you like! The lawn signs never need to come down! This is an important election, and you must not forget to gloat.

Maybe this is the first time you have gloated. I was a little nervous my first time too. In the last gubernatorial election, when Jennifer Granholm pulled it out and really rammed it to Dick DeVoss (who?) I spent the rest of the week gloating about it. When I heard the news, I punched the ceiling in my car and honked my horn in celebration. I wore my VOTE GRANHOLM T-shirt long after the election was over. I still wear it proudly. If you don't gloat, then who will?

Both campaigns fear that Gloater Fatigue and Gloater Complacency have set in among gloaters. I don't know. I feel just fine.

November 4 will be exciting and nerve-wracking. The suspense is fatiguing me! I hope it lasts! But November 5 will be glorious for 51% of this nation. So if you fall in that category, you must exercise your right to gloat! ROCK THE GLOAT! Get the sticker that says I GLOATED! GLOAT FOR OBAMA! GLOAT FOR MCCAIN!

There will no doubt be gloater fraud in this upcoming election. You will know it when you see it. Your friend voted for the loser, and yet he still wants to come to your house for the free drinks and woop it up like he didn't just vote for the biggest loser in American history. Report all gloater fraud to the proper authorities.